


If You Give A Rowdy Mouse A Cookie

by Sifl



Category: EarthBound
Genre: Gen, Jeff wets himself, Science Experiments, Tony gets crazy with the cheese knife, crazy hairdos and don'ts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-12
Updated: 2012-06-12
Packaged: 2017-11-07 14:14:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sifl/pseuds/Sifl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeff loves science. Maxwell also loves sience. They want to acquire some lab mice to do all sorts of crazy things to in the name of their beloved science. However, their usage of rodents leads to an unexpected discovery: Tony loves small animals.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Give A Rowdy Mouse A Cookie

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone! This was my first ever fanfiction, so I'm posting it here for nostalgia's sake... and because it's actually still amusing to me.
> 
> It was written to show a , uh, "headcannon" of my friend's that Tony has the ability to go berserk under certain situations... and because I thought it would be funny to write about sweet little Tony add another level of crazy to Earthbound.
> 
> Enjoy!

It was the time of year when Snow Wood Boarding school felt especially chilly. Not that it didn't always feel chilly; being in the northern country of Winters, it was always cold, but today was one of many days when the frost seemed to gather a little thicker on the windowpanes, the wind seemed to howl a little louder, and the nights seemed to grow a little longer. To a normal boarder at the prestigious school, it meant seemingly longer days without end of studying the sciences and mathematics the academy was recognized for.

And Maxwell loved it.

He loved it so much that he continued to devote himself to his field of science even during the precious few hours of daylight the other students had to themselves. He loved it so much that he would stay up through the night formulating plans and equations and inventions that would rival any physicist, chemist, or rocket scientist anywhere. He loved it so much that he would dream of it as he slept through Winters Literature class.

Heck, he loved science so much that sometimes he would skip Winters Literature class altogether to pursue it.

Today, though, the thing he had been pursuing in the name of science had taken on the form of a small, furry rodent running through the courtyard. Maxwell had immediately seen this invader as a golden opportunity- nobody in Snow Wood knew or cared about how to deal with a mouse infestation and nobody knew or cared that Maxwell needed a live body to use to try out his new Super Convenient Hair Dying and Styling machine. Besides, where one mouse was found, more were sure to be around. If he caught this mouse and had it lead him to its den, he could acquire a whole pool of test subjects for later contraptions and gizmos.

The little mouse, blinded in its determination to get away from the lanky insomniac behind him, did not see the shadow of Maxwell's Handy Dandy Extendo-Handle That Was Really Great When You Needed To Catch Something Really Far Away In A Net gizmo sneak up above him.

The mouse hadn't even had a chance to realize that it had been ensnared before Maxwell had it restrained in the chemistry lab and had slammed his newest dome-shaped prototype over its furry form.

From Maxwell's point of view, it was a match made in heaven. The mouse was simply terrified.

Giddily, Maxwell flipped the switch on the side and waited the mandatory five minutes before removing the contraption to see the results.

He was greeted by the sight of a freshly permed ball of fluff dyed in a rainbow of neon colors. Tearing his goggles off his face for a better look, Maxwell couldn't help but give a squeal of delight.

"It works!" He yelled, his voice cracking in pitch as he forced it. "It really works! I don't even have to give it a second wire-check or change the power source!" He kissed the Super Convenient Hair Dying and Styling machine before running out into the hallway to proclaim his success, test subject forgotten.

The mouse, still sitting stock still on the lab table, wasn't sure what had just happened.

After a while, it finally began to regain its senses and clumsily made its way out of its restraints and onto the floor, sniffing for the scent of its colony and looking for a possible mouse hole.

The poor thing hadn't made it very far before a sudden gasp and crash from the doorway caught its attention.  
\---------------------------------------------------

At first, Tony had only stared in awe at the brightly colored dust bunny in front of him. He had been delighted by it, but had been startled into dropping the tray of cookies he'd made for his upper classman Maxwell when the dust bunny had started moving. The little bunny, no, the little mouse whipped around to see the disturbance and it was all Tony could do to keep from screaming in surprise.

The mouse stood up on its haunches and peered inquisitively at Tony before giving the cookies at his feet a longing look. It was a scavenger that had a stressful adventure; it wanted food.

Tony couldn't help but pity the hungry, lost look on the mouse's fluorescent face. He picked up a pastry from the ground, broke off a piece, and held it out to the little animal.

Tentatively, the rodent reached out a paw and accepted the offering; this little human didn't seem anywhere near as bad as that big crazy one had.

Pretty soon, Tony had fed the mouse the whole cookie and had started it on a new one. As the curly furball chowed down, more hungry eyes had started to peer from the shadows and more telltale noses began to poke down from the rafters. It wasn't long before the room was filled with eager mice.

Tony looked around in complete bewilderment. He hadn't noticed them creeping up on him, and now that they were here, he didn't have the heart to deny them a baked treat.

While the mice consumed the tray of cookies, Tony speculated on why they were all here in Maxwell's makeshift workshop. He glanced from the leather mouse restraints to the battered cage (from Maxwell's Unusually Strong Bendable, Dependable, and Expendable Trap That Can Hold Up To Thirty Times Its Own Weight In Pests carrier) to the dilapidated shoebox with metal tools punctured through it (the Special Mystery Box That Is Totally Cool When You Don't Want To Mess Up A Dissection Because It Does It For You machine) before a horrifying thought occurred to him.

Maxwell wouldn't. He couldn't! Could he?

"Well, he shouldn't," finalized Tony. He scooped up his tie-dyed friend and addressed the rest.

"All of you are coming to live with me. I promise to give you a nice place to sleep and good food to eat," the mice's ears perked up noticeably at this, "and protection from being lab rats any more. Or lab mice. Or whatever you call yourselves." Tony grabbed a few more furry spectators and strode out the door. The remaining mice, unsure of what to make of this, sniffed at each other before finally following their new leader.  
\---------------------------------------------------

"I wonder what I did with all those darn mice," wondered Dr. Andonuts aloud from his lab in southern Winters. "I could have sworn that I had left them right here."

The doctor had ordered quite a few lab rodents for cloning research and test subjects. About two months ago, they had arrived and had been proving themselves quite useful in his discoveries. However, Doctor Andonuts had not anticipated for his sudden genius outburst of insight concerning the true meaning of life to distract him. Once it appeared, he had rushed to test his theory out and abandoned the rodents completely. Sadly, Dr. Andonuts had not figured out the equation to the true meaning of life (he was missing an unknown variable, he had deduced) and decided to return to his original project. The mice had different plans- they decided to depart in search of better nests.

"Oh, well," said the doctor as he reached for a donut. His hand grazed the bottom of the empty box. He gazed at the package longingly, noticing the mousy footprints imprinted in the frosting. "Drat. They made off with the donuts, too."

"At least I can still lick the box."  
\---------------------------------------------------

Tony finally had settled the mice into his dorm room, making sure that each one had a place to sleep. He had utilized his roommate's dresser drawers, but with the faith that he wouldn't mind. After all, the mice were so cute, how could Jeff say no?

It wasn't long before the balls of fluff began to squirm and chatter irritably. Tony tried to shush them, but acknowledged that it wasn't working when the mice began fighting each other over a last cookie.

"Okay! Okay! If you stay quiet, I'll bring you some cheese!"

Every mouse in the room (and in the surrounding one hundred feet) stopped what it was doing immediately at the mention of cheese.

"Yes. Just stay quiet and hide somewhere until I get back," Tony urged, "and I'll get cheese for you."

As the little scavengers scuttled off to their hiding places, Tony quickly exited and rushed down to the school cupboard.

"Those mice are so rowdy," he whispered to himself.  
\---------------------------------------------------

As the single attendee of Snow Wood Academy that could possibly equal the upperclassman in his love of science and inventing, Jeff Andonuts had been talking to an excited Maxwell about a new realization in his Hair Care That Multitasks To Save You Time And Money line of machines when he had a realization of his own.

"Maxwell, I really need to go. I want to hear all about this, but for now I really need to go do something."

"Oh, bladder issues?" Maxwell may have been a genius, but he had no tact when it came to social interaction.

"Yes, and I've got diarrhea too, from that plum pudding." While Maxwell had no concept of acceptable social conversation topics, Jeff had somehow been able to depreciate to even less on the matter. Doing the telltale dance, he took off down the hallway.

"I could make you a catheter and monitor combined, if you wanted!" Maxwell called after the retreating Jeff.

"No thank you!" Jeff ran to the nearest restroom and pushed several unhappy classmates out of his way to get to a stall.

Still in the hallway, Maxwell remembered that he needed to check on his Super Convenient Hair Dying and Styling machine's dye level in case he wanted to use it again.

Jeff climbed the stairs to his dorm to get a new pair of underwear. He hadn't been fast enough to the toilet, much to his dismay, and was vigorously hoping that Tony had done his laundry for him last week; Jeff had completely forgotten about it when the last laundry day had come.

He opened the door and walked, bow legged as to not soil his pants, over to his dresser and opened the top drawer. He blinked at what he saw.

About fifteen squirming balls of fur poked their heads out from underneath Jeff's assorted boxers and briefs, giving him a pointed stare for about thirty seconds before burying their heads back underneath his undergarments.

Calmly, Jeff closed the drawer and walked out of the room like nothing had happened.

The little furballs looked at each other from their various nooks and crannies, making no sound as they watched him go.

Jeff quietly shut the door.

The mice sat in silence for about two more minutes before all hell broke loose.  
\---------------------------------------------------

Maxwell was surprised when he entered the chemistry lab he had unofficially claimed and discovered that his Thing That Was Awesome For Collecting Things And Was Completely Animal Friendly With A Removable And Reusable Collection Tube vacuum device was gone. He put down the Super Convenient Hair Dying and Styling machine and decided to go search for his vacuum, as he was quite proud of it.

He also noticed that the styled mouse was gone, but decided that it was of little consequence compared to the Thing That Was Awesome For Collecting Things And Was Completely Animal Friendly With A Removable And Reusable Collection Tube vacuum device.

Jeff had cranked Maxwell's device up to the setting of "Maxwell Maximum" and was now sucking in mice like Pac Man did pellets. He was completely oblivious to the other boys poking their heads into his room in fear and awe as well as to the terrified screeches and squeals of his prey.

He caught those mice with a vengeance- many tried to hide on the ceiling fan, but they were unsuccessful as Jeff had anticipated this and flipped the switch by the door. The rodents would fly off of the spinning fan and hit the wall, knocked senseless just long enough to fall victim to Jeff's vacuum gizmo.

The mice on the ground weren't lucky, either- the fur flew everywhere and all over everything. Tony's neat and pristine laundry became collateral as Jeff simultaneously captured the stowaways and completely trashed the room, demolishing everything but the carefully managed chaos of his tool box.

After about ten minutes of absolute madness, Jeff finally sucked up the last of the invaders (it looked like a miniature Bozo the Clown wig had been put on it, interestingly enough.) He cut the vacuum device off and removed the tube of compressed mice, packed so tightly that they couldn't move.

"That'll teach you," Jeff grumbled, walking out of his room and parting the small crowd out in front of his room. "You'll make excellent lab toys," he added amiably to the mouse sandwich, winking at the curly haired one with the rainbow color scheme. "I'll bet Maxwell got a hold of you already." He received no reply, but that was just as well to the young Jeff.

"You chaps are such rowdy mice."  
\---------------------------------------------------

Tony finished slicing the cheese into mouse-sized bites and put away everything. He was curious about what the racket was upstairs, but it sounded like a vacuum cleaner and not at all like discovered mice, so he wasn't too worried.

Humming a little tune as he went, he opened the door and made his way to the stairs, carefully balancing the cheese as best he could.

He rounded the corner and came face to face with Jeff.

Jeff waved to Tony with his free hand, hoping that his roommate would be too fixated on his plate of cheese to notice the container of concentrated mouse he held. Tony always loved animals and would probably have a row if he knew that Jeff wanted to use them as lab experiments. He would probably insist on keeping them as pets, finding them all a place in their room and bringing them cheese cut into mouse-mouth sized morsels, very much like the ones on the tray in his hand…

Bugger.

Tony's mouth was a perfect, disbelieving 'O' as he stared at the tube of mice- at the tube of his mice- that was his multi-colored Cookie, squished right on top his Chocolate, suffocating his Poopsiekins, crushing his Sugar, mashed between his Booger and his Chamomile and his Clover! How could Jeff _do_ this?

With each mouse Tony identified, his face got redder and the circular shape of his mouth got flatter and flatter as Jeff became more and more afraid. The hands holding the tray of cheese began to shake and shudder in utter fury as Tony prepared himself for the worst possible fit he could muster up.

Although he was many things, Jeff was no coward. When he set his mind on something, he would hardly ever back down, pushing boldly ahead no matter the odds. It was one of the many reasons that he and Tony were best friends as well as roommates. With this and the knowledge of Tony's previous outbursts of outrage, he did what anyone in his position would do.

He ran away as far and as fast as he could.

Rodents in hand, he went up the stairs and jumped as gracefully as he could (which was not very) out the closest second story window, landing safely in the bushes below before scuttling away to the back entrance of the school.

Jeff glanced behind him just in time to see Tony follow him out the window, cheese tray still in his clenched fists.

Jeff ran harder, cold air whipping his hair and snow slowing every step. He needed somewhere to hide; Tony was a much faster runner and would catch him soon.

Jeff half-tripped and half-skidded into the lower science hall of the school, dragging the nearby Maxwell into the closest room he could find. He locked the door behind them.

"Maxwell, you've got to hide me from Tony. He's furious that I TTWAFCTAWCAFWARARCT vacuum device-ed these mice."

"Hey!" Maxwell brightened upon seeing the tube. "That's my test mouse." The eyesore furball's eyes got a little bit wider upon seeing the Academy insomniac again. "Why don't you just give him the mice back?"

"I didn't think about that." Jeff paused. "I got so caught up in the moment that I didn't even consider that option." He shook the thought away. "But it's too late for that now. You have to help me. Please." Jeff was so terrified that he thought he was wetting himself again.

"Well, Jeff, I can try, but I don't think it will do you much good. After all, Tony doesn't-" Maxwell's reasonable observation was cut short by a loud thud on the classroom door. Jeff and Maxwell went completely silent as the bangs and blows became progressively louder and more violent.

After a particularly nasty bout of thuds and slams, the attack stopped. Jeff and Maxwell waited a few moments before releasing each other from the frightened embrace they had formed.

"Do you think he's gone?"

"No." Jeff swallowed hard. "If I know Tony, he'll find a way in through another opening."

Maxwell and Jeff didn't even have to acknowledge the other's thoughts before scrambling off to block the windows and put extra restraints on the ventilation ducts. When they both finished fortifying their fortress, they turned to face the window in preparation of Tony's siege.

As if on cue, the door behind them creaked open. Tony stood, master key in hand, with the furious calm before a storm expulsing from his very pores.

Jeff was the first to react, throwing his free hand in front of him and trying to console his friend.

"Tony, they're going to be okay! It isn't what it looks like!" Jeff went on with his mindless babblings until a swift object flew past his face and cut him off.

Maxwell stared in awe at the cheese knife embedded in the wall, perfectly suspended by the two prongs planted in the sheetrock. He was always fascinated by the complete transformation Tony underwent when in one of his moods and wisely decided that he should take on the roll of innocent observer and hostage. Subconsciously, he edged farther away from the tube of mice.

Tony stormed over and snatched the knife from the wall, angrily put back it on the tray before turning and grabbing the tube of mice in Jeff's hand.

Jeff did not let go.

Tony pulled.

"We can't keep them in the room, Tony, because they'll infest the school." Jeff's grip held firm and his shaking voice subsided.

Tony tugged harder.

"Tony, we use science to help creatures, not hurt them. Nothing is going to happen to these animals," Jeff reasoned.

Tony gave another rough yank, this one stronger than the last.

Jeff still wouldn't let go. He had done battle to get these mice and he was going to keep them in the name of science, blast it!

Pretty soon, the game of tug-o-war had escalated to a full scale conflict. Jeff tore the cylinder from Tony's hands and went for the door, only to be nailed in the back of the head by Tony's tray of cheese. Jeff went down, morsels raining everywhere around him. Tony was on him at almost the same instant as the cheese, stealing the canister of mice before trying for the exit himself. He wasn't fast enough, however, as Jeff grabbed him by the leg and sent him to the floor.

Both boys began fighting as hard as they could; Jeff threw off Tony's hat and began pulling his auburn hair. He was answered with a handful of cheese shoved up his nose. With a cry of outrage, Jeff thwacked his roommate in the eye with his elbow, causing Tony to roll over and pin his blonde friend underneath him. Jeff, dairy smeared all over his face and glasses, frantically pawed the air in hopes of landing a solid hit.

Maxwell watched all this with a dumb expression on his face. How was Tony capable of such violence? How could Jeff actually raise a finger to his sweet-natured friend? This was too much to believe! 

But then he glanced over to the tube of mice, wondered if he should have dyed the neon mouse blue instead of a rainbow, and completely forgot about the Winters Wrestling Entertainment going on right in front of him.

Jeff managed to tear a button off of his roommate's shirt and muss his perfectly done neck ribbon. His (admittedly) feminine clothes ruined, Tony completely lost himself in his rage. He snatched the cylinder of mice and proceeded to beat Jeff senseless with it.

"Ow! Tony! Stop!" Jeff put his hands over his head in a feeble attempt to shield himself from the vicious barrage. Jeff screamed as the tube made an especially loud crunching noise as it hit his face.

"Enaaaarghhh!" The screaming Tony wouldn't relent and swung the mice faster, unaware of Jeff's newly broken nose.

Jeff grabbed the blood-slicked tube of terrified mice and tried once more to take it from his rabid friend. Both of them pulled as hard as they could, and Jeff realized that he was losing his grip and made a last stand by gripping the handled lid of the container.

Of course, he didn't realize his mistake until the lid popped off and hoards of bewildered mice came flying out.

The mice barreled out of the room as fast as their stubby legs would carry them, overtaking everything in their path in sheer numbers. Fleeing from the crazed schoolchildren wasn't their only objective; they were aiming to get as far away from the academy as they could.

Upon seeing the army of rodents retreating (under the order of their psychedelic commander), Tony snapped out of his state of fury.

"No! Don't run away!" he leapt off of Jeff and made a mad grab for the tiny escapees. "We won't hurt you!" He ran after the mob of mice, forgetting the grounded Jeff.

Jeff, dazed and confused, took off after his best friend, using the walls as a crutch and his hands as his blindness assistant.

Maxwell, who had finally decided that the rainbow dye job had been the superior choice, was ecstatic that the underclassmen had totally forgotten about his involvement in the whole ordeal and turned back to the blueprints for the new Auto-Tony Tracker That Was A Protective Shield For Your Glasses, Goggles, And Nose As Well As A Heater device that he had just come up with.

Tony stared dejectedly as he watched his pets crawl under the school gate and out into the wild blue yonder.

"Be free, my little friends! I'll miss you!" He sunk down to kneel in the snow.

Huffing and puffing, Jeff finally arrived to where Tony was sitting.

"Did they get away?"

Tony sniffed. "I decided that it was best if they were better off being free than the slave of science." He gave a sly look over his shoulder and noticed the disheveled state of his best friend.

"What happened to you? It looks like you were attacked!" Jeff sighed. Whenever Tony went berserk, he completely forgot what was going on around him (a coping mechanism that Jeff had noticed Tony had very early on in their friendship.)

"It isn't that bad, is it?" Jeff asked. He wiped some of the Wensleydale off of his glasses and straightened his bow tie, trying to cover up some of the blood that had dripped onto his shirt from his profusely bleeding nose. When the look on Tony's face didn't change, he tried a lopsided grin that revealed a missing tooth.

Tony clucked his tongue and whisked Jeff inside.

"All this and you smell like pee."  
\---------------------------------------------------

Brick Road was cheerfully laying the stone pathways of his own personal dungeon when a crowd of mice charged through.

At first he was startled by their furry fury, but smiled when he saw a few of them break from the herd and sniff around his unfinished dungeon before returning to the pack.

"Those are some rowdy mice," he commented.


End file.
